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Posted by: M.J. Fifield | on May 4, 2022
Note: this post is part of an on-going (and possibly never-ending…) series. To read the earlier installments, click on the following links: Part One, Part Two, Part Three.
If you are a regular reader of this blog, you may remember that last month, I participated in Camp NaNoWriMo and set myself a goal of editing 50,000 words. I had never set an editing goal before, so I wasn’t sure how it would all work out.
If you follow me on various forms of social media, you may have already seen this:
So, I mean, yes, there was some success to be had. However, I feel like the 70,030 words edited there looks and sounds waaaaaaaay more impressive than it actually is. Some of that feeling can probably be attributed to the fact that I am a gigantic hot mess—so much so that I’m pretty sure I can be seen from space. Like, there are astronauts at the ISS right now, looking down and going, “OMG! What the hell is that—Oh. It’s just MJ. Never mind.”—who would feel that way regardless of the actual results.
But here’s the thing…it doesn’t feel like I’m making much meaningful progress. I’m going through the pages, correcting errors, and culling dialogue (just…so much dialogue) and adjusting the narrative to tighten and strengthen it or whatever, but I think the book still has the same fundamental issues it had when I began.
I just have no idea what those issues are.
I cannot shake the feeling that I am writing (now editing) this book wrong. That I’m rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic or something. And I can’t even explain it to anyone without saying something like, “I think there’s something wrong with this book, but I don’t know what, and I’m worried I’m not smart enough to fix it.”
Because how can I be smart enough to fix a problem I can’t even diagnose?
So, I’m starting off May not quite sure what to do or where to go from here. I’m trying not to force things, to give my brain the space it apparently needs to get its shit together or whatever, and to trust that I will eventually figure things out because even though I don’t remember it, I most likely felt the same damn way while editing the three books that came before this one.
But I’ve never done well with inactivity.
And…during my family and friends visits last month, I was reminded (more than once) that there are three people waiting to read this book, who have already been waiting years to read this book, and who will have to keep waiting probably more years to read the book because I am taking so damn long to finish it. Which makes me feel bad because I am extremely blessed to have any people interested in reading anything I write, and who continue to be interested in reading anything I write even though it takes me so damn long to actually write anything, and it sucks that I can’t do a better job for them.
Which adds to the pressure and compounds with the inactivity and my already terrible levels of anxiety or something science-y sounding, which all means that this gigantic hot mess is just getting bigger and messier.
Which is why, despite the fact that I left Camp with a winner’s badge (and a really cute mug. I ordered a mug that, if my significant other asks, I desperately needed…) and an impressive-looking word count, I’m not feeling particularly impressed.
But at least I have a mug.
Stay safe and well, all.
Posted by: M.J. Fifield | on June 16, 2021
I don’t think this could possibly be a secret, but I love to participate in NaNoWriMo. I just really like the challenge of setting myself a big, bold goal and seeing if I can achieve it.
There are three sessions each year (April, July, and November). Normally, I only do one, maybe two, as life allows. Back in January, however, I set a goal to participate in all three sessions and even developed a game plan for each.
April’s session was supposed to be devoted to finishing the first draft of Full Circle. July was supposed to be dedicated to finishing the first draft of the Terrible Romance Sequel. November was supposed to be an opportunity to experiment with a shiny new idea.
If you’re a regular reader of this blog, then you may already know how April’s session turned out. I set my goal for 25,000 words because I thought that would be enough to get me to the end of Full Circle.
It was not.
In fact, I wrote 27,000 words, and it still wasn’t enough.
Which has thrown a wrench into my careful planning.
(Something for which I really should have planned, but whatever. It’s all good. I’m not irritated at all. Really. And if you believe that, I have a nice bridge in Brooklyn I can sell you…)
Now the July session of NaNoWriMo is right around the corner, and I am trying to decide (see…the title did have a point!) what I should do. As I see it, I have three options:
- Make yet ANOTHER attempt to finish Full Circle
2. Stick to the original plan and attempt to finish Terrible Romance Sequel
3. Run away to join the circus
What’s a writer to do? Let’s look at the pros and cons of each, shall we?
—Make yet ANOTHER attempt to finish Full Circle
Again, if you are a regular reader of this blog, you may already know that I’ve been trying and failing to do this for…well, for a while now. At least a year. Probably more. I thought 2021 might be the year I break through because I thought I was tantalizingly close to reaching the end.
Which I may be. I don’t know. I could be sitting right on top of the damn ending and be just too obtuse or whatever to see it. I don’t know. I can’t stress enough how much I don’t know.
But I desperately want to finish this story. There are three people in my life who want to read this book, and I feel worse and worse every day I can’t make that happen. So, though normally, I would stick this WIP in a drawer and leave it there for a while to give my brain a break, I just can’t bring myself to do that this time.
I want to type THE END on that first draft, if for no other reason than when the manuscript ends up being ignored in a metaphorical drawer, there’s a reason for it besides my failure (If you didn’t know, I let manuscripts rest for at least a month in between drafts).
So once again making Full Circle my project of choice is tempting. It is an undeniable truth that my desire to win NaNoWriMo often helps me power through a story and reach that word count goal. Maybe this session will be the session that allows me to drag myself across the finish line.
But…it is also an undeniable truth that I still don’t seem to know how this damn book is supposed to end. Or how I get the characters from where they are now to whatever that ending ends up being. How would I even decide on my word count goal? This book could need 15,000 more words. or 25,000. Or 50,000. Or more. I don’t know. What if the book is, in fact, unfinishable? (At least in my hands…) What do I do then?
Bottom line: If I make Full Circle my project, am I dooming myself to spend 31 days just staring at a blinking cursor?
—Stick to the original plan and attempt to finish Terrible Romance Sequel
I started this story last November (during NaNoWriMo, of course) and finished with 51,309 words. It didn’t have a beginning or an ending and contained only the smallest amount of plot that could possibly be considered plot.
(You may now be asking yourself, “If there’s no beginning or ending or any real plot, how the hell did you end up with 51,309 words?” And I’ll tell you…I don’t know.)
It’s been sitting in a drawer ever since December 1st. I haven’t looked at it—mostly because of the aforementioned push to finish Full Circle—but also because it doesn’t have a beginning or an ending and only the smallest amount of plot that could possibly be considered plot.
But for all the things I don’t know about this book, the Terrible Romance Sequel does have one thing going for it: It’s not Full Circle. I haven’t been trying and failing to finish it for…well, for a long time now. Maybe a fresh(er) project will produce better results because it will seem far shinier and newer to my dumb brain than its ancient counterpart.
But…the truth remains that I don’t know how to finish this story, either. I honestly don’t know if I can. My dumb brain came up with this concept—which I really do like (or did like, when I looked at it last)—but I am quite fearful that it’s not only unfinishable but also unwritable. (At least in my hands…)
Bottom line: If I make Terrible Romance Sequel my project, am I dooming myself to spend 31 days just staring at a blinking cursor?
—Run away to join the circus
Pro: Doesn’t involve me coming up with endings for any story or possibly ever writing anything ever again.
Con: I don’t actually have any skills that might be useful in a circus setting. Also—and I can’t stress this enough—clowns are f&*k!ng terrifying.
So that’s where I am. I have a decision to make with a deadline of 11:59:59pm on June 30th. I really hope to have it made before then, but as a wise man once said, “What you plan and what takes place ain’t ever exactly been similar.”
We’ll see what happens this time around.
Which option do you think should I take? What do you do when you can’t decide? What do you do when you can’t seem to figure out a story’s ending? Or beginning. Or middle? And, most importantly, what do you think of clowns?
Posted by: M.J. Fifield | on January 6, 2021
It’s the first Wednesday of the month, which means it’s time for another action-packed installment of the Insecure Writer’s Support Group.
(If you’re new to the IWSG, or just interested in more information and/or a complete list of participants, click on the above link.)
This month’s (optional) question asks, “Being a writer, when you’re reading someone else’s work, what stops you from finishing a book, throws you out of the story and/or frustrates you the most about other people’s books?”
But I’m going to skip that question in order to
ramble incoherently talk about a subject about which I know nothing but how much I don’t want to do it.
If you happened to have read my last post, you may remember that one of my goals this year is to attempt to make some kind of monthly attempt at marketing.
This goal came out of an exchange with my sweet babboo (I have no idea if I’m spelling that correctly. But, fortunately, neither does Auto Correct…) that happened toward the end of last year. I received a message from one of the Evil Social Media sites telling me I could use their Evil Social Media Business Service to help my business.
I snorted in derision and said aloud, “That shows what you know, Evil Social Media Site. I don’t have a business.”
To which my sweet babboo (Ha. That time, Auto Correct changed it to ‘bamboo’) responded, “Yes, you do.”
Which was followed by a moment of confusion followed by the realization that I do, in fact, have a business.
Needless to say, I do not excel at marketing.
Among other things.
So this led me to ponder whether I should maybe possibly kind of put forth maybe just a tiny bit of effort in the marketing department. But here’s the thing…I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS. Just thinking about doing it in any way, shape, or form makes me feel physically horrible. Just the idea of saying something like, “Hey, I wrote a book” to someone feels physically horrible.
I seriously cannot stress enough how goddamn horrible I feel.
For a while, I thought it might get better, easier, if I kept at it. If I kept stepping out of my comfort zone, I would grow more accustomed to it. That…didn’t happen. It only felt worse to the point where I took every event off my schedule even before the pandemic would have done it for me.
When my sweet babboo (No, Auto Correct. Not Bambi) asked why, I told him I needed to feel not horrible for a while.
And that was that.
Which is why my goal is to attempt to make an attempt at marketing. I’m going test the waters and see how it feels (I’ll go out on a limb and say…horrible?) and go from there.
I don’t know how to do it or where to start or anything except (again) how much I don’t want to do it, but it’ll be an experiment.
We’ll see how far I get.
Again, just a guess…
What are your goals for the year? How do you handle marketing? Any advice for me?
Thanks for stopping by today, folks. I’ll try to do better the next time.
Stay safe and well.
Posted by: M.J. Fifield | on October 7, 2020
It’s the first Wednesday of the month, which means it’s time for another action-packed installment of the Insecure Writer’s Support Group.
(As always, I’m assuming that if you’re here, reading this blog, you’re already familiar with the IWSG, but if you’re new and on the prowl for more information and/or a complete list of participants, please click on the above link.)
This month’s (optional) question asks, “When you think of the term ‘working writer’, what does that look like to you? What do you think it is supposed to look like? Do you see yourself as a working writer or aspiring or hobbyist? If the latter two, what does that look like?”
In theory, I am a working writer. And I’m fortunate to be a working writer who doesn’t have a day job of any kind. At least not one that, you know, earns me any money. Not that writing earns me any money, either, because, you know, it doesn’t. My last royalty payment earned this reaction:
(Apparently, if one wants to sell books, one has to actually tell people said books exist. Which, just…ugh. I don’t like that.)
But yeah. I’m a working writer. And for me, that pretty much looks like an anxiety-ridden basket case constantly on the verge of a full-blown breakdown because she knows she’s not doing enough. Not writing enough, not publishing enough, not marketing enough, not anything enough. (Though, to be fair, I’m not convinced I would ever think any amount of writing/publishing/marketing/anything would be enough. Anxiety is my co-pilot!)
I don’t know what being a working writer is supposed to look like. (Not the way I do it, from what I hear. Which is true. If your goal is to make money from writing, you really don’t want to follow my business plan.)
I imagine it’s one of those things that will vary from one writer to the next, depending upon that particular writer’s particular goals.
And my goal, as has been stated in a lot of these posts lately, is to just do my own thing and don’t care if anyone else likes it.
(Sorry, y’all…this is apparently my new favorite gif.)
And on that note, I’m outta here. Thanks for stopping by today. I’ll try to do better the next time.
Stay safe and well, all.
Posted by: M.J. Fifield | on August 17, 2020
In November 2009, I set upon a two-pronged experiment: write a 50,000-word romance novel during NaNoWriMo. It was my first attempt at NaNoWriMo as well as my first attempt at a romance novel.
I started off with nothing more than the genre. I just wanted to see if I could do it and what a romance novel written by someone who traditionally didn’t write, you know, happy characters or endings would look like.
At the end of the month, I didn’t have an answer. I stuck the project in a metaphorical drawer where it remained until July 2017, when I pulled it back out in an attempt to finish it.
It soon became known as the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Bad Romance Novel because, according to my CPs, I had completely missed the mark on that whole ‘romance’ aspect of the romance novel. As one CP said, “I don’t want these two characters to spend any more time together.”
Clearly, I had my work cut out for me.
And because I am the slowest writer on the face of the earth, it took a while to figure things out. The urge to shove the damn thing back into the metaphorical drawer was strong. Just so, so strong.
Fast forward to January 2019, when my beloved goddaughter expressed a desire to read this book. I love my godchildren and would do anything for them…even finish and publish a terrible romance novel.
Which (deep breath) I did.
See, I set a goal to publish it in time for my beloved goddaughter’s birthday. I wanted it to be a surprise, so I didn’t announce it. Against all odds, I actually achieved this goal ( I know. I still can’t believe it, either).
And because I am a marketing guru, even after the birthday surprise, I didn’t announce the book. (I have issues. I know.)
But this past weekend, it was revealed (not by me because, again, I have issues) that the Terrible Romance Novel (at some point, I should probably start referring to it by its actual name) had been set loose upon the world.
Which, yes, is technically true, if you want to get all technical about it.
The Terrible Romance Novel is the product of years of neglect and massive rewrites. It somehow managed to survive having me as its author and because of that, it is now available for Kindle and in paperback.
My goddaughter loved it, and should anyone out there choose to read it, I hope you enjoy it, too.
Oh, and because my goddaughter wants to read it, I’m scheduled to start the second book in the Terrible Romance Series on November 1st.
One last thing…
Back in March 2019, I ran a contest. You may not remember it because it was back in 2019, and we’ve all had MUCH larger concerns since then, but it was a contest to guess how many pens and highlighters I would go through in the Terrible Romance Novel’s revision process. (Thank you to everyone who entered!)
There were three people who guessed exactly right (two pens, two highlighters). Their names were put into a metaphorical hat, and the winner was…
Thanks again to everyone who entered. Maybe I’ll do another contest whenever I have another manuscript ready for revisions. So…like, ten, twenty years from now, maybe?